Upstate NY Drivers
I've been living in Ithaca for the better part of 3 and a half years now. Coupled with annual trips to Buffalo to see family, I consider Upstate New York to be a second home of mine.
Let me first define Upstate New York (UNY). As a New Englander, the size of the entire state of New York is unfamiliar. In my mind it is divided into two distinct regions, which are further divided into smaller and smaller regions.
Downstate New York (DNY), for me, is everything south of Westchester County. Both topographically, and geographically, this is the lower part of the state. This may seem like an uneven division. After all, only The City and Long Island are below Westchester County. But consider that Westchester has a population of about 1,000,000, neighboring Rockland County has a population of about a quarter million, New York City has 8.1 million inhabitants, and 2.7 million people live on Long Island (not counting Kings and Queens counties, which are part of New York City). This means that my DNY contains about 12 million people, while my UNY has 7 million residents. So even though my Downstate NY is much smaller in terms of land, it is much larger in terms of people.
So we've defined Upstate New York. Now, an area as vast as UNY needs to be divided even further. I'd say the regions are as follows: Lower Hudson Valley, Upper Delaware Valley, The Catskills, The Capital Region, The Adirondacks, Upper Hudson Valley, The North Country, Central Leatherstocking Region, Mohawk Valley, Greater Syracuse, The Finger Lakes, Susquehanna Valley, Southern Tier, Greater Rochester, Greater Buffalo, Niagara, Erie, and The Kingdom of Zeitz (that big empty square south of Buffalo and Rochester, east of Lake Erie, west of the Finger Lakes, and north of Pennsylvania.
Now I've driven in, around, and through most of these regions, except for the northern ones. And they all have one thing in common: shitty drivers.
Now what makes these drivers so shitty? Keep in mind, I'm not counting truck drivers because trucks come from everywhere. And also keep in mind that I'm excluding Downstate drivers because I've driven Downstate and you guys drive well.
The Upstate New York driver is a pussy. They have no initiative, no drive, no aggression, no balls. This can be very stressful, and can sometimes be extremely dangerous.
You guys drive way too fucking slow! You have these wide open spaces to drive through, and you drive 5 under the speed limit on a perfect day with 2 other cars within 20 miles of you. And when there are cars around you, you drive even slower! I can't tell you how many times I'll be driving on Route 13 in Tompkins County, trailing some fucking retard going 45 MPH, who in turn is following another retard at 45, and so on and so forth. And when they're on the highway, prepare to hit your fucking brakes. UNY drivers are such pussies that they slow down when they pass someone! On I-81, or 86, or 90, they'll be cruising along at a nice 70 MPH, get in the left lane to pass a car, and get off the gas. This makes the pass take longer. I've seen cars that took a full 2 minutes to pass other cars. Then you get in behind those cars so you can pass them, they get back in the right lane, AND SPEED UP TO 70 AGAIN!
Then there's the people who just sit in the left fucking lane going 60 MPH. Now I'm all for driving in the left lane. I've driven clear across Massachusetts and never left the left lane. But in New York, most highways are only 2 lanes, so the left is the ONLY passing lane. You get up behind these fuckers because if you pass on the right, some backwoods, quota minded cop might pull you over. You flash your high beams once to let the person in front of you know "I want to go faster then you so move out of my way." After a mile or so, you finally decide to just pass on the right. Somehow, some way, at this exact moment, the slow fucker has finally figured out that you want to pass, so he tries to move over to the right lane just as you're moving. So then you duck back into the left, but so does he. The dance continues for another half mile until the guy in front realizes that you'd still like to pass him.
And for people who get snowed on day in and day out, almost to the point at which you're proud of getting snowed on so fucking much, UNY drivers are fucking atrocious winter weather drivers. They all seem to have 4 wheel drive trucks and $50,000+ SUVs and yet the snow makes them drive like the road is covered in a 5 inch sheet of ice with Zamboni cleaning it.
I was driving in the snow the other day, coming back from the casino (made $400, ship it). The roads were in semi-decent shape with some snow, but wide grooves to drive in. So I'm going around 55 MPH in my front wheel drive Impala with shitty, worn tires. All of a sudden, I'm bearing down on a $60,000 SUV going 30 MPH. I slide into the left lane (which is hardly ever plowed) and shimmy my way past him. My car was not straight the entire time. Now, had he been going a bit faster, like 45 MPH let's say, I would have seen him earlier, could have slowed down, and gradually drifted into the passing lane. Instead, I was forced to turn suddenly, and drive absolutely perfectly in order to avoid an accident.
Then there was one time on I-481. Not only was this fucker going slow, HE WAS DRIVING IN TWO FUCKING LANES! Even when I pulled to his left, he still didn't make room for me to pass. Then I got stuck behind a salt truck on the off-ramp and my car was pelted with salty pebbles.
On Rte. 13 one night in between Cortland and Dryden, the road was absolutely magnificent. No snow at all except for a little dusting in the breakdown lane. Yet the car in front of me was going 35 MPH. As were the 10 cars in front of him. This made any sort of pass highly difficult. So I had to follow these pussies for 20 minutes before they thankfully turned off the road.
OK, back to good weather driving. Just a few tips for UNY drivers that will help them out a bit:
1. If you're turning off a road, go as far to the side as you can so cars behind you can go around without stopping suddenly
2. Turn signals are not only helpful, they're legally required before any turn. Although suddenly slamming the brakes usually means you're making a turn, a signal ALWAYS means you're making the turn
3. If you're being tailgated, you're going too slow
4. If you tailgate, it should be because the person in front is going too slow AND they don't have to be. Tailgating a car that is stuck behind a truck is not only pointless, it's a recipe for a pile up.
5. If there's two lanes, and you're in the right lane, and you want to go faster than the car in the right lane ahead of you, go to the left lane and pass them. Don't worry, you'll be okay. I know passing is hard.
6. Green lights mean go. Go right fucking now. There are people behind you who want to go now so they can make it through the light
7. Stop signs mean stop, ALWAYS.
8. If you're going at a reasonable speed (up to 5 MPH over the limit) in good weather, you don't have to slow down when you see a cop. And if you're going at or below the limit and you slow because of a cop, just fucking kill yourself.
9. Don't wear a hoodie while driving with the hood up. Peripheral vision is important
10. If someone pulls into the lane in front of you, and they're going the same speed or faster, you don't have to slam on the brakes.
11. If you don't like passing trucks, either don't pass them at all, or pass them quickly so you won't take forever to pass them
12. When someone flashes their high beams at you, it means something (there's a cop, they want to pass you, they're letting you go, your headlights aren't on)
13. If you see a cop on the other side of the road, flash your lights so people coming that way know he's there
14. If someone gives you a wave to go, just fucking go. Don't think you're obliged to give the wave back. This just eats up time and causes confusion
15. Pedestrians have the right of way at crosswalks
16. Pedestrians have the right of way even when there isn't a cross walk, but make them know you're pissed at them for taking their sweet ass time to cross the road. Do something like rev the engine really loud, or come within a foot of hitting them
17. If you have the balls to pull onto the road in front of me, have the balls to drive fast, too
18. When two lanes merge into one, if someone has any bit of their car ahead of yours, just let them go in front of you. I can't tell you how many times I've nearly driven people off the road because they wouldn't let me in. Guess what, tough guy, I'm not backing down
19. If you're not in total control of your car (example: you hit a spot of black ice and drift just a tad) don't panic by slamming the brakes and turning suddenly. You will die if you do this.
20. Yield does not mean stop
21. There are few rotaries in NY, but when you encounter them, remember that the cars in the rotary have the right of way, but if you can get in without stopping, go for it.
22. Yield means "you don't have the right of way, someone else does"
23. You don't always need to come to a complete and utter stop in order to take a turn
24. If your high beams are on, and a car is either coming from the opposite direction, or is in front of you going the same direction, turn off the fucking high beams!
25. The point of driving somewhere is that driving is a fast and easy way to travel long distances. So drive as if you wanted to get wherever you're going as quickly and easily as possible.
Let me first define Upstate New York (UNY). As a New Englander, the size of the entire state of New York is unfamiliar. In my mind it is divided into two distinct regions, which are further divided into smaller and smaller regions.
Downstate New York (DNY), for me, is everything south of Westchester County. Both topographically, and geographically, this is the lower part of the state. This may seem like an uneven division. After all, only The City and Long Island are below Westchester County. But consider that Westchester has a population of about 1,000,000, neighboring Rockland County has a population of about a quarter million, New York City has 8.1 million inhabitants, and 2.7 million people live on Long Island (not counting Kings and Queens counties, which are part of New York City). This means that my DNY contains about 12 million people, while my UNY has 7 million residents. So even though my Downstate NY is much smaller in terms of land, it is much larger in terms of people.
So we've defined Upstate New York. Now, an area as vast as UNY needs to be divided even further. I'd say the regions are as follows: Lower Hudson Valley, Upper Delaware Valley, The Catskills, The Capital Region, The Adirondacks, Upper Hudson Valley, The North Country, Central Leatherstocking Region, Mohawk Valley, Greater Syracuse, The Finger Lakes, Susquehanna Valley, Southern Tier, Greater Rochester, Greater Buffalo, Niagara, Erie, and The Kingdom of Zeitz (that big empty square south of Buffalo and Rochester, east of Lake Erie, west of the Finger Lakes, and north of Pennsylvania.
Now I've driven in, around, and through most of these regions, except for the northern ones. And they all have one thing in common: shitty drivers.
Now what makes these drivers so shitty? Keep in mind, I'm not counting truck drivers because trucks come from everywhere. And also keep in mind that I'm excluding Downstate drivers because I've driven Downstate and you guys drive well.
The Upstate New York driver is a pussy. They have no initiative, no drive, no aggression, no balls. This can be very stressful, and can sometimes be extremely dangerous.
You guys drive way too fucking slow! You have these wide open spaces to drive through, and you drive 5 under the speed limit on a perfect day with 2 other cars within 20 miles of you. And when there are cars around you, you drive even slower! I can't tell you how many times I'll be driving on Route 13 in Tompkins County, trailing some fucking retard going 45 MPH, who in turn is following another retard at 45, and so on and so forth. And when they're on the highway, prepare to hit your fucking brakes. UNY drivers are such pussies that they slow down when they pass someone! On I-81, or 86, or 90, they'll be cruising along at a nice 70 MPH, get in the left lane to pass a car, and get off the gas. This makes the pass take longer. I've seen cars that took a full 2 minutes to pass other cars. Then you get in behind those cars so you can pass them, they get back in the right lane, AND SPEED UP TO 70 AGAIN!
Then there's the people who just sit in the left fucking lane going 60 MPH. Now I'm all for driving in the left lane. I've driven clear across Massachusetts and never left the left lane. But in New York, most highways are only 2 lanes, so the left is the ONLY passing lane. You get up behind these fuckers because if you pass on the right, some backwoods, quota minded cop might pull you over. You flash your high beams once to let the person in front of you know "I want to go faster then you so move out of my way." After a mile or so, you finally decide to just pass on the right. Somehow, some way, at this exact moment, the slow fucker has finally figured out that you want to pass, so he tries to move over to the right lane just as you're moving. So then you duck back into the left, but so does he. The dance continues for another half mile until the guy in front realizes that you'd still like to pass him.
And for people who get snowed on day in and day out, almost to the point at which you're proud of getting snowed on so fucking much, UNY drivers are fucking atrocious winter weather drivers. They all seem to have 4 wheel drive trucks and $50,000+ SUVs and yet the snow makes them drive like the road is covered in a 5 inch sheet of ice with Zamboni cleaning it.
I was driving in the snow the other day, coming back from the casino (made $400, ship it). The roads were in semi-decent shape with some snow, but wide grooves to drive in. So I'm going around 55 MPH in my front wheel drive Impala with shitty, worn tires. All of a sudden, I'm bearing down on a $60,000 SUV going 30 MPH. I slide into the left lane (which is hardly ever plowed) and shimmy my way past him. My car was not straight the entire time. Now, had he been going a bit faster, like 45 MPH let's say, I would have seen him earlier, could have slowed down, and gradually drifted into the passing lane. Instead, I was forced to turn suddenly, and drive absolutely perfectly in order to avoid an accident.
Then there was one time on I-481. Not only was this fucker going slow, HE WAS DRIVING IN TWO FUCKING LANES! Even when I pulled to his left, he still didn't make room for me to pass. Then I got stuck behind a salt truck on the off-ramp and my car was pelted with salty pebbles.
On Rte. 13 one night in between Cortland and Dryden, the road was absolutely magnificent. No snow at all except for a little dusting in the breakdown lane. Yet the car in front of me was going 35 MPH. As were the 10 cars in front of him. This made any sort of pass highly difficult. So I had to follow these pussies for 20 minutes before they thankfully turned off the road.
OK, back to good weather driving. Just a few tips for UNY drivers that will help them out a bit:
1. If you're turning off a road, go as far to the side as you can so cars behind you can go around without stopping suddenly
2. Turn signals are not only helpful, they're legally required before any turn. Although suddenly slamming the brakes usually means you're making a turn, a signal ALWAYS means you're making the turn
3. If you're being tailgated, you're going too slow
4. If you tailgate, it should be because the person in front is going too slow AND they don't have to be. Tailgating a car that is stuck behind a truck is not only pointless, it's a recipe for a pile up.
5. If there's two lanes, and you're in the right lane, and you want to go faster than the car in the right lane ahead of you, go to the left lane and pass them. Don't worry, you'll be okay. I know passing is hard.
6. Green lights mean go. Go right fucking now. There are people behind you who want to go now so they can make it through the light
7. Stop signs mean stop, ALWAYS.
8. If you're going at a reasonable speed (up to 5 MPH over the limit) in good weather, you don't have to slow down when you see a cop. And if you're going at or below the limit and you slow because of a cop, just fucking kill yourself.
9. Don't wear a hoodie while driving with the hood up. Peripheral vision is important
10. If someone pulls into the lane in front of you, and they're going the same speed or faster, you don't have to slam on the brakes.
11. If you don't like passing trucks, either don't pass them at all, or pass them quickly so you won't take forever to pass them
12. When someone flashes their high beams at you, it means something (there's a cop, they want to pass you, they're letting you go, your headlights aren't on)
13. If you see a cop on the other side of the road, flash your lights so people coming that way know he's there
14. If someone gives you a wave to go, just fucking go. Don't think you're obliged to give the wave back. This just eats up time and causes confusion
15. Pedestrians have the right of way at crosswalks
16. Pedestrians have the right of way even when there isn't a cross walk, but make them know you're pissed at them for taking their sweet ass time to cross the road. Do something like rev the engine really loud, or come within a foot of hitting them
17. If you have the balls to pull onto the road in front of me, have the balls to drive fast, too
18. When two lanes merge into one, if someone has any bit of their car ahead of yours, just let them go in front of you. I can't tell you how many times I've nearly driven people off the road because they wouldn't let me in. Guess what, tough guy, I'm not backing down
19. If you're not in total control of your car (example: you hit a spot of black ice and drift just a tad) don't panic by slamming the brakes and turning suddenly. You will die if you do this.
20. Yield does not mean stop
21. There are few rotaries in NY, but when you encounter them, remember that the cars in the rotary have the right of way, but if you can get in without stopping, go for it.
22. Yield means "you don't have the right of way, someone else does"
23. You don't always need to come to a complete and utter stop in order to take a turn
24. If your high beams are on, and a car is either coming from the opposite direction, or is in front of you going the same direction, turn off the fucking high beams!
25. The point of driving somewhere is that driving is a fast and easy way to travel long distances. So drive as if you wanted to get wherever you're going as quickly and easily as possible.
posted by rob | 8:42 PM
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